It's Just an Ordinary Day

in case you didn't know

Thu, 04 Jan 2007 08:44:56 GMT

I'm at Mike and Hannah's now, in Bronxville, and the three of us (plus a bunch more) are leaving tomorrow for our free ten day trip to Israel. I won't have a cell phone, and don't know how often I'll have internet access, so if you can't reach me for that period, that's why. There's a lot of cool events planned, and I'm sure it's going to be an awesome trip, especially with the company, so... yeah.

Don't know what else to say. As Rabbi Mike put it, tomorrow we're off to the Ho-Lay Land (yeah, the rabbi said that, not sure what to make of it), so... I should probably sleep now. Though I'm sure we'll have plenty of time to sleep on the plane. But yes. I said I'd update before I left. I don't really have anytihng to say.

But in case you didn't know about the Israel thing... I'm going. Ten days. Back on the 15th (unless Mike and Hannah convince me to stay an extra day or two).

Peace.

I Had Some Stuff I Wanted to Write

Wed, 03 Jan 2007 01:46:09 GMT

I'm in Sacramento now, at my grandparents' house, and I don't know what it is I'm feeling. I just finished reading some Michelle Tea, and it makes me miss school and friends, makes me want to be with lesbians and drinks and drugs, and makes me wish I was a little older and a little harder. Also wish i could write, and live and be with artists and crazies and just things that are alive.

Though I suppose that's not all from the book.

My grandmother is in the hospital, has been for a few weeks, and visiting there is going to stick with me for a while, I think. I've visited two hospitals in two weeks, and the experience will never be something pleasant. There is that hospital smell, that everyone knows, and the doors to each room are open and you can't help but look in and see these old, old people on these old, sad beds and wonder who they are and what they're in for, before you pass and look into another door and forget about the last. As we walked towards her room yesterday, our first time visiting, an old woman sat in a wheelchair in the hallway, loudly whimpering help me, and I almost couldn't take it. I felt like it was a movie, about a bad nursing home, and I hated seeing my grandmother there. My grandmother, who even in her mid-80s has always been full of life, caring, funny, just such a cool grandma. And here she is, lying in bed in a room with two other old women, one who is just batty and the other who vascillates between making loud, almost discernable grunts and lying almost comatose, staring into space. And my grandmother looks weak, and sounds depressed, and her voice is probably permanently scratched from where the tubes scratched her throat, after quadruple bypass surgery and having two valves repaired, and everyone says she's getting better, and everyone believes it but her.

I know she'll be all right. I just don't like any of it, at all.

I should go now, since this is the only usable computer (mine's all but dead, and there's no internet anyway), and my dad needs it. I'll probably say something before I leave for Israel, and then maybe write something about the trip.

Catch you on the flip side, then, I guess...

update

Thu, 21 Dec 2006 21:20:49 GMT

Blah blah blah Blood Wedding blah blah blah drinking blah blah blah money blah blah blah conference week blah blah blah home for winter blah blah blah fire blah blah blah friends blah blah blah money blah blah blah Israel blah blah blah family blah blah blah computer blah blah blah Update

Check back in a month or three...

Fri, 24 Nov 2006 18:15:09 GMT

So. Home. A brief respite from rehearsals, which is nice, but there are still massive amounts of work to be done, and somehow still no time to do them.

But the holiday was nice, if rushed. Bakersfield in the daytime, the Catholic Republicans and their new offspring, who are really wonderful people despite the politics. Of the five "kids" (the youngest of whom is a year older than me), both girls were there, and my favorite of the boys. Both girls are married, now, and babies quickly followed, and it was a great time all around. Nice to see my brother, too, as always.

Then the dramatic change of scenery as we drove back down to my Dad's house, Mexicans and Jews and a game or three of Apples to Apples, which, while so different from school, was still a lot of fun.

Now, however, the baby is here (despite the fight and possible break-up I apparently missed between my step-brother and the baby-momma), so I'm gonna go play.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

Tue, 24 Oct 2006 21:40:57 GMT

Things are busy, but a lot less stressful than when last I posted.

October Study days have come and gone, apparently. Times like these I miss Germany. Cranberry bogs and muffins that come from an oven. And pumpkin carving. And the jacuzzi.

I did get into the city, though, which was nice. Especially nice seeing Natalie and Kiki, which I hope I will be doing more of this year.

Don't really know what else to say. It's getting colder, the leaves are starting to change. Theatre and Hillel are still running my life. I did drop a class, though, which is an immense relief. I'll lose credit, but APs will cover it. Money is still a huge problem, but such is life. At least I have steady work, between 12 and 16 hours a week, which is good.

I don't know. Just trying to stay sane, I guess. Some days, it doesn't seem so hard.

Sat, 23 Sep 2006 20:01:22 GMT

L'shana tova, everybody!

May your year be sweet, peaceful and loving.

Services last night and today were really great. I adore Rabbi Mike, Nehemiah sang today, and Mike's sermons were funny, smart, and incredibly relevant. It all felt really good.

Just wanted to share.

Happy holidays, and much love to all.

Sun, 17 Sep 2006 13:49:36 GMT

Week has been full of auditions, homework, and alcohol. And good people. Lots of good people. And some annoying people. But I love them anyway. Also, lots of alcohol.

I've gotten a job stage managing for an awesome play with an awesome director, and though we're still in the process of casting, I can already tell it's going to be insane and amazing. Assuming I survive.

In other news, I've fallen in love with the new Director of Programming for Hillel, Rabbi Mike (Nehemiah's boyfriend). He's a hell of a lot of fun, and has put me in a semi-leadership position with Hillel.

-----------------
The list of officers:
AD -- Chair
Naomi -- Israel Czar
Joanna -- PR
Annalee -- PR and all-around hip chik
Alex -- Treasurer
Hilary -- Senate Liaison
Emma -- (Erstwhile) Empty Bellies and Jewish Learning contact
-----------------

I just think it's funny. Anyway, off to Hartford to see a play. I'll maybe catch you later.

Mon, 11 Sep 2006 08:37:03 GMT

It's not worth writing about. Suffice to say, I won't be sleeping more than maybe an hour tonight, and I'm going by Lawrence Hospital in the morning to check things out. Thankfully, I only have one class tomorrow, but I have gen auds all night, so we'll see if i can last.

Right now, though, I'm just fucking exhausted.

Tue, 05 Sep 2006 18:19:28 GMT

So, for those who don't attend Sarah Lawrence, a brief update:

Tropical Storm Ernesto came through, knocked down some trees, caused some general havoc, and took out all the power for a weekend. Everywhere. (Except Hill House.)No power.

It was pretty fucking cool.

We each got glow sticks, and a few flashlights for each house, which made for some pretty kickass nights. I hosted a few parties, apparently, which is something I guess I now do. I brought my first years together with my boys, which a part of me tells me is a bad idea and another part tells me is not my concern. I'm having a good time. So fuck it.

Once my computer returned, though, I have noticed that there is a slightly huge error in my scheduling, which might mean I have to drop a theatre component I think could really change my life and be awesome. This sort of sucks. I also still haven't heard about my loan yet. So there's that.

Anyway. It's been a crazy week, but I don't really feel the need to put it all here. Just wanted to record Sarah Lawrence Blackout 2006. Because it was pretty epic.

Hope y'all are having a good time.

It's getting better.

Thu, 31 Aug 2006 19:16:33 GMT

Things got much worse before they got better. My stepmother got involved, told me things that, in the moment, made me hate myself even more than I hated her, which was not where I needed to be.

But then I took care of it. Left my parents out of it, and now things are under control. I've taken out loans so tuition will be paid this year, I've signed up for classes, gotten a few jobs, talked to Alisa about getting things out of storage, bought some essentials (and I'm even looking at cooking for myself more this year), taken care of bank accounts and such, and even had an opportunity or two to have a good time.

I am feeling so much better it's unbelievable. Most of my troubles, it seems, have left with the rain. Not that everything's perfect, but it is still a welcome improvement.

Now, a nap and some free food, I think.

Writing in my gournal. I write my thoughts in it every day.

Wed, 30 Aug 2006 06:29:16 GMT

I was about to give highlights of my day. Things like caramel apples on the Warm Spot, Spice Girls at the pub, finding more theatre components I want to take than I ever have, and crying in front of two school administrators.

And then I get an e-mail explaining that the things that seemed to have been fixed after those administration meetings in fact are not. And I owe the school more money than I have, and my parents owe more money than that, and I am not entirely sure what to do about it. I thought that meeting with them and explaining the situation (which I didn't think would result in crying, since i really fucking hate crying in front of people, especially people who I don't know. Hell, I never fucking cry in front of people I don't know. It was a fucking nightmare) was the solution, was the big thing I had to do in order to take care of it all.

But apparently this is only the beginning. I thought that being three thousand miles away would make it easier to avoid the devastating warfare that is going on at home (wasn't I supposed to be avoiding war this year?). But apparently I am still in the middle of it all.

When talking to the financial people, she brought up the phrase "because we don't want you to have to leave." And while I understand that she was comforting me, telling me that they will do everything they can to make sure this is all taken car of... that is still one of the options. And that scares me more than anything.

It's after 2 in the morning. My day tomorrow is full of interviewing and, apparently, talking to my parents and financial aid people. I'd like to get my stuff out of storage, or at least go into town to take care of bank things and maybe essentials like blankets and toothpaste, but that will probably have to wait a while.

I'm so glad to be at school. I love my friends, my house, and I know I'm going to love my classes.

But these two days, which seem to be longer than days ever have, have been hell.

I want someone to take care of me. Why can I never just accept that it's not going to happen?

Sun, 27 Aug 2006 23:29:29 GMT

Airport in less than four hours. New York in maybe twelve (assuming I get on the plane, which is actually not an absolute certainty).

My father is still in excruciating pain, drugged up, and somewhat depressed. I'm still deaf in one ear. But I'm ready.

"No more brooding. No more esoterical, existential, ethereal bullshit. Just the click-scrape of a zippo, and the drag of worn boots against paved city sidewalks. It's going to be a good year, and I'll not be told otherwise."
~ Pedro

please check out the cut.

Sat, 26 Aug 2006 23:40:12 GMT

I was about to upload two videos to YouTube, only to find they are already there. It's always funny to find people as weird as you are.

Anyway.

Just something I like:My Teenage Fallout Queen

And... does anyone think this would be fun to do for Cabaret (orientation, not midnight):

And this one's my pick for Crossdress, if I could find boys to... well, be the girls, I guess:

(I was thinking of being the husband, and, in the grand x-dress style just over-sexualizing the whole thing. or i could go femme, which would be hilarious, and just play the lead. hmm. i guess the important question is, would anyone be interested in going in with me??)

Anyway. Hope you enjoy, regardless.

T minus 33 hours or so?

Sat, 26 Aug 2006 20:46:53 GMT

My father can't walk without being in excruciating pain. I can't hear out of one ear. We're a funny pair. The rest of the family's at the bridal shower, which is a fucking hilarious image.

Packing is proving to be quite difficult, and I'm not looking forward to getting it all from the airport to registration to the second floor of Andrews, but I know it will be a relief to sit down on my new bed and be done with it all. To see my friends. Hell, to go to theatre meeting (in whatever shape and form they take this year). The first week, the exciting stress of interviews mixed with what looks to be an awesome schedule of orientation events.

After that... well, who knows.

The next few days are definitely going to be interesting, anyway.

Tue, 15 Aug 2006 22:28:54 GMT

I finally got housing. And not absolutely horrible, either. Andrews House. Room 203 - not entirely sure which way that is, if it's on the kitchen side or what will always to me be the Winston/Roxanne side (EDIT: Erica informed that it may in fact be Winston's old room, which would be KICK ASS), but either way, I'm not nearly as upset as I thought I'd be. Hell, it might actually be a pretty sweet room.

I've been seeing good friends this week, which is the only thing saving me from complete collapse over the horrendous fights my parents have been having over my tuition. They're both attacking each other brutally, and one (if not both) of them is lying to me about the other, though chances are they both absolutely believe what they say is truth. I've never been this affected by it before, and I suppose I just have to be thankful that this is the last time I have to deal with it. The last time, in fact, that I'll have to live with them (cross your fingers for me, anyway).

My mother actually told me to fuck off today, and the names she's been calling my father have been rather impressive. My dad is not a saint either, of course, but I've had less contact with him. Of course, he's the reason more than half my salary from this summer is going towards my tuition, but (I think) that's a contribution I'm willing to make (unless, of course, I believe my mother's truth, which pretty much says he's violating custody agreements and has more than enough money to cover his portion of tuition). Still, though, I'm finding out things about him that I don't want to know.

And my step-mother knows better than to say a single thing to me about my mother. I hope she knows it, anyway. Otherwise I might have to take drastic action.

It's a very difficult situation regardless of who's saying what. After a day of repeatedly breaking down in front of my mother, I e-mailed my father to tell him that the situation was almost impossible for me and recommending that he and my mother discuss things before they both give me contradicting information. Of course, the next thing I hear is my mother calling him an asshole after hanging up the phone with him. So I've changed my mind. Like many a child of broken homes, I think the safest option is for me to sort it out myself and for them to never talk to each other without a trained professional mediating.

I'm considering moving in with my brother for a few days if it continues like this. Though his girlfriend gets home from England soon, and I wouldn't want to interrupt that. I know he'd let me stay anyway, though. He's good like that.

Either way, I only have about two weeks left before I can go home. I can make it through that. Then it'll be ok.

Recent studies presenting a trend?

Tue, 08 Aug 2006 04:35:04 GMT

K 'treats depression in hours'

'Shrooms 'produce mystical experience'

Or, as Mark Morford so eloquently put it, This just in: Psychedelic drugs could be very good for your mind, heart, soul. Can you believe?

as Drew and I used to lament...

Fri, 04 Aug 2006 08:34:22 GMT

Water, water everywhere...

Covered in sweat, taste like cigarettes, tired but wired. It was a great night. That's my kind of thing, I suppose - good music to dance to, a couple of drinks, friends (and the like) to flirt harmlessly with. I don't know what to do with strangers. I just want to have a good time.

And I did.

And now it's my last night here before my mother gets home. I'm glad she's coming back. I feel bad, about some stuff, but I think she'll be all right with it all. And I miss her, in my own way. And I'll be glad to give back the responsibility.

I had more to say, but then realized there's no point. Not really sure what the point of any of this is. Never am, I suppose.

And so goodnight unto you all...

Just one of those days, I guess...

Wed, 02 Aug 2006 04:48:09 GMT

Today was a get drunk on wine in the afternoon day. A cry over nothing day. A laugh at everything and still hate yourself day. A day to be lonely. To find comfort in little things. To flirt with a friend and shop with a foreigner. To smoke a cigarette while watering the lawn. To see a trans-man and Impact in one T.V show. A first day after the last day of work day. A day to buy groceries for your mom in Israel. A day for doing nothing and then regretting it. A day to love everyone you can't see. A day to not see anyone. A Johnny Cash, La Bottine Souriante, Indigo Girls, Great Big Sea and Disney day. A day to need more music. A not-my-day type of day.

You ever have one of those days?

and now for something completely different

Thu, 27 Jul 2006 05:23:55 GMT

Also, today I had (very brief) conversations with both Forest Whitaker and Kevin Smith. Granted, I spent a lot more time with their respective children, but still, it was neat.

It's show week at camp. Three days (and nights) down, one to go, but tomorrow's sure to be a lot of work. I'm making friends with more campers, getting annoyed with more teachers, and getting really fucking tired of teenage boys, but that's just the way it goes. There are other perks, too, like the new friends and the money.

I'm also unintentionally letting my house run to shit, for which I feel really bad, especially since I'll actually be around when my mother gets home. I'm not messy or anything, it's not like that, it's just... I don't know how to run a house. There are little things no one ever taught me. I just don't know what to do.

But then, it's been seeming recently that I'm just generally pretty lost right now...

Thu, 27 Jul 2006 05:02:22 GMT

I've spoken to my dad, e-mailed my mother, Lisa Kama, Bev Fox, Sarah Cardwell, and the financial aid office of Sarah Lawrence. The decision is made. Officially. I guess a weight is lifted, though right now, nothing seems fixed. I'm still afraid, of so many things, but at least I know what I'm doing with my immediate future.

-------------------------------------
The beginning of the letter I sent to Lisa, Bev, Sarah and finaid:

Dear _____________,

I had originally intended to spend the upcoming fall semester studying
abroad at the University of Haifa in Israel. However, due to the current
situation and possibility of war in the state, I have decided to withdraw
from the program and instead return to Sarah Lawrence for the whole year.
--------------------------------------

So there you go. I'll see you in the fall, SLC...

Next year in...

Sat, 22 Jul 2006 17:08:51 GMT

I don't know what to do.

I'm just going to throw that out there.

I have no idea what to do, and time is running incredibly short. I'm scheduled to leave for Israel on August 3rd.

There is the possibility of an Israeli ground strike occuring soon (Israel army attacking Lebanon, if you haven't been keeping up with news). Air raids are a daily occurence in Haifa now, though there have not been any missile attacks in a few days. While the situation is still pretty horrendous (absolute destruction in Beirut), it's safer in Haifa than it was a week or so ago. In addition, Hezbollah will run out of missiles eventually. For what it's worth.

Currently, the University of Haifa has evacuated its students, and they are currently studying at the Hebrew University in Jerusalem. As of last week, the University of Haifa said that they plan to reopen the campus for the August Ulpan (where I'm going), but if "the situation takes a few weeks longer to be resolved" they are "exploring alternate venues." My father suggests (and I agree with him) that it is likely that the Ulpan will be somewhere else (Hebrew U, probably) and then the fall semester will continue at Haifa, once things have calmed down.

Now... my mother thinks I should consider cancelling my trip. I believe that her reasons, however, have to do mostly with the quality of Hebrew University, where she says that the dorms and facilities aren't as nice. However, there are of course safety concerns - she has already had to stay in bomb shelters, and because of the evacuation her classes were cancelled for a bit and there are now longer hours. So there's always the possibility that

My dad, however, thinks I should go. He thinks that the school will do everything it can to keep its students safe, and, with good reason, that this is a once in a lifetime opportunity. He also says that, if I go, I will definitely have some impressive stories to tell. And that's always cool.

I've also been thinking that some of my fears about going are very natural fears about going abroad, and that I'm slightly using these things as an excuse not to go.

But then again, if my reasons for staying outweigh my resaons for going... shouldn't that mean something?

So there you go. I know people here are concerned about my safety there, and I appreciate that, but I also know that people go to Israel all the time. People live in Israel. They don't let fear and terrorism prevent them from experiencing the holy sites and beautiful place.

But then again... the situation is a little different right now. Bombs in Haifa and a ground strike.

There are also a few other small things. I have friends coming home in August that I won't get to see otherwise. There are things at SLC that I'd like to do first semester. University of Haifa is cheaper than SLC, though. Also, World Pride is in Jerusalem the first weekend I'm there.

Reasons to stay, reasons to go. No easy solution.

And I don't know what the fuck to do.

I just wanted to explain.

Tue, 18 Jul 2006 04:49:07 GMT

Things are complicated.

Mon, 17 Jul 2006 07:13:40 GMT

It's been kind of a crazy weekend, a multicultural smorgasborg, if you will, complete with some utter insanity tossed in.

Cultural experiences:
- Outfest movie Friday night
- Family reunion on Saturday
- Bollywood concert at the Hollywood Bowl tonight

The movie was called Fat Girls, and was cute and touching and funny if sometimes a little... off. I had a good time, even though I did go alone. But hey, I made $12.

The reunion was... interesting. We had cousins straight in from Mexico, and as always a lot of people who speak little to no English. However, the party was Hawaiian themed, as it was hosted by the Hawaiian family members, complete with traditional dancers and pineapples as party favors. As it was still inherently Mexican, though, I ended up drinking a shitload of tequila and beer, which I did eventually pay for.

The concert was a lot of fun, and I really got to bond with my boss/friend Wallis, who I've always known was awesome but I'd never been close with, largely because she's five years older than me and I knew her younger sister much better than her. I've totally gotten over the fact that she's dating my high school drama teacher, and in fact I'm finding out a lot of really interesting stuff about him and her and life in general that I'm glad to know. That and she's just fucking hilarious. And we went with her dad and his boyfriend, which was really fun.

The Israel question has of course been on my mind, and in large part because people ask me about it every ten minutes. My mother was evacuated to Jerusalem today, which she was excited about, and sounds pretty nice.

Me, though, I don't know. The plan right now is to go. The situation doesn't seem /too/ extreme yet, but I am paying close attention to the news, and if the situation escalates or I do not feel safe, I'm not going to go. I've considered a number of aspects, and I know what people thing, so right now I'm just trying to figure it all out. Right now, I don't know. But I'll keep everyone posted, I guess.

Tomorrow, work at 8:15.

Thursday... party?

Thu, 13 Jul 2006 20:12:41 GMT

I don't want to bring things up too much, because I don't want to worry people unnecessarily, but I also want to assure people who are already worried that I do know what's going on, and I also want to express my own concerns.

Israel is being bombed, more than usual. This may even lead to a rather full scale war. News story, if you're interested. Parts of Haifa were bombed.

My mother called me this morning from a bunker. She's fine, and she actually appears to be having a pretty good time with all the excitement, but it was still a bit unnerving to hear.

As of now, the plan is still to go to the University of Haifa in August. If things get much crazier, though, I will of course talk it over with my family and my school, and figure out the best plan of action.

So that's where I am right now. In case you were curious.

Sat, 08 Jul 2006 12:09:32 GMT

I'm having a hard time sleeping. However, I did happen to catch the pilot episode of West Wing, the first episode I have ever seen.

Reminded me, with good reason, of Sports Night. Which is a good thing. Today was a good T.V day. I don't know if that's a sad realization. I don't think it is.

I made an earlier post, and then didn't want it anymore. I had a list of good things from my week, but I don't actually think they're interesting to anyone.

I don't really know if this is interesting to anyone.

But I can't sleep, and this is something to do.